Not Abraham Lincoln

23 Sep

The War between the States appears to be over for the time being.  There have been less explosions lately, and we saw the Governors together on TV recently (oh yes, with the “Premier”, Truculence has to be different, Shires instead of Counties, Premiers instead of Governors, abbatoirs instead of hospitals) mingling with apparently genuine bonhomie.  Trevor was there in the background with Governor Chickenhawk in his Glossolalia tie.  I think they were playing golf or hangman,it was hard to tell as the picture was not good, for example all of their faces were bright red.

There is a disturbing aspect that I am surprised no internet conspiracy theorists have picked up on.  The State of Bliss has disappeared.  It is only a small State, and its boundaries have changed over the years with internecine warfare and the vagaries of the Border Institute’s decisions, however, now it is simply not there.  It is not just that the borders have shifted to incorporate it into other States, the landmarks, the landmass even, is missing from maps, even from Boogle-Earth.  There is weirdness and strange science at work here.  I am certain that Trevor has squirreled it away somewhere, with all of its 1112 residents.  I suspect a dual purpose in his machinations.  Firstly, he wants to experiment on Bliss.  Secondly, he wishes to force the other States to accept artificial substitutes for the natural products of Bliss.  Are those massive flags still hanging from monastery walls?  Is the Wheel of Life still being turned?  Why does no one notice, or care?

That a war could be fought over differences in railway gauges.  I can understand wars being fought over important issues, such as the results of football games, or slavery.  As a result of a unique legislative program in Glossolalia, “slavery” has been both outlawed and renamed.  There is no longer slavery in Glossolalia, but this is no cause for rejoicing.  Just as there is no longer nasty genetic modification of foods, but rather “cuddling”, now there is no slavery, but there is the popular cultural practice of “spooning”, which involves quaint forced labour and indentured servitude.

I personally do not believe in spooning, but who am I to force my beliefs on others whose culture is different to mine?  Recent (I’m fairly certain independent) surveys of the spooned indicate they are just glad to be out of The Horror, and are happy with the way their gametes are being treated by Trevgene.  That was reported on page 2.  On page 3 of the GLOSSolalian was one of the Trevgene Academy’s newest graduates.  I am not sure of the purpose of her modification, there is not a baby in existence that could suckle at those.  Though perhaps my understanding shall grow with the release of the next product line, who I understand will be the most efficient workers the States have ever seen, and who can subsist entirely on a diet of tabloids and milk.  Hurrah!  Perhaps then there will be no need for spooning, and it can be phased out over several centuries.  It is of course too structurally embedded to be removed at once.  Where would children’s football teams be without the spooning firms who pay for their uniforms?  What about the pensioners?  The bus that takes them to bingo is paid for by spooners.  No, unfortunately spooning is too inextricably linked with these major aspects of our economy to be easily removed.  Why, one could more easily try to control problem gambling, or appropriately tax mining companies.


One Response to “Not Abraham Lincoln”


  1. Not Gregor Samsa « Not Trevor - October 7, 2011

    […] compound after all.  It was designed to keep out roaming hordes and rampaging mobs, escaped spooned and things that go smash in the night.  Of course it was […]

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